Believing “If he didn’t love me, he wouldn’t be with me”
I’ve heard this phrase from many women who wasted a lot of time trying to get some commitment from unavailable men. They’re trying to convince me (and themselves) that there’s still a good chance of building a relationship. They said, “If he didn’t love me, he wouldn’t be with me”. For a man, there are three categories of woman: totally unsuitable ones, totally suitable ones, and ones who are suitable only for a short affair. It is possible for a man to want to be with you on different levels. There is one who wants to build a future with you, there is one who wants to meet you from time to time as long as he has no one else who is suitable, and there is one who wants to go out with you (and perhaps with others) in order to decide whether you are suitable for him at all. The fact that your new partner stays with you for a month, two, or three does not necessarily indicate a commitment to a long-term relationship.
“Sex is very important to men, so it’s possible to attract a man by giving him great sex, or by refusing to have sex with him until he expresses his feelings”.
The only right thing about this myth is that sex is important to men. But if you think that giving or withholding sex can convince a man to commit to you, you’re absolutely wrong.
No man will commit to a relationship only for getting good sex. During their entire lives, men are socialized and directed to set their feelings apart from their sexual life. They are highly encouraged to have more sex but only to commit to really special women. Therefore, there’s hardly a man who is ready to be in a relationship with no sex, but most men definitely can have sex, enjoy it, and strive for it, without a relationship.
Imagine a man who isn’t into you. Can having great sex really change his mind? Probably not. At best, you can convince him to be your permanent sexual partner.
Now, imagine the same man. Can withholding sex really change his mind? Again, probably not. At best, you can drag him into a seduction game that will end as soon as he “achieves” you.
The “Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus” philosophy
This states that men are completely different from women, and they have a man's psychology that women must understand. The myth states that you can’t have a healthy relationship unless you learn how to “understand men”.
The truth is that every man is completely different, not only from most women but also from other men. You can’t understand him by merely thinking of him using stereotypically patterns such as “a man needs his space”, “a man doesn’t share his feelings”, or “a man is a hunter”. To understand your man, you must think of him as an individual, not as a clone who shares the same qualities with three billion people. If your partner is so unbelievably different from you, put aside the pop psychology, and look for somebody who can get closer to you.
“Love can make me happy. Without it, I’m miserable”
Love is a great thing, that’s for sure. But if you want to be loved by somebody, you must, first of all, be able to manage your life even if there’s no love in it. Your future partner is only a human being, not a legendary hero. His aim is to find a reliable partner, not to rescue a lonely, miserable girl of no value, whose whole world depends on somebody else.
Just like you, we all want to receive, to gain and to enjoy more than we could if we were not in a relationship. Your future partner is no exception. A woman whose life is full, who does not need problem-solvers, healers, or someone to fill the emptiness in life, is by the nature of things more able to provide greater added value to her partner. Her world is saturated and rich, and this is why anyone would be happy to be with her.
The happier your life is while single, the better the chance that somebody will choose to share it with you. This is a paradox, but you need to accept it – and make it a reality.
“Men know what they want, and they can tell you how to lead them to fall in love with me”
Many women believe that since they are looking for a man, they should ask a male advice about love and attraction. However, while merely taking advice can’t harm anybody, you should never completely rely on one man’s views.In real life, men aren’t necessarily reliable sources of information on the topic.
As I’ve already mentioned, men aren’t all the same. The pattern that irresistibly attracts one man may scare off another one.
Copyright 2002 Lisa The Matchmaker. All rights reserved.